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OCD Series: Stop Negative Thoughts – 2 Methods that Help

Persistent Thoughts Solved. Method 1:  4 L’s: Look, Label, Let-it-pass, Leave

This simple method works well with persistent, troublesome thoughts as it recognises that we are not the thought, it is something separate from us.

Ruminating Thoughts
Stopping Ruminating

Look – observe it

Label – it (fear of whatever), then

Let-it-pass –Watch it as it passes by, avoiding making a judgement about it (e.g. good/bad)

Leave – shift your attention to what you were doing (internal focus shift to external focus such as listening to the radio, making tea..)

Racing Thoughts Solved: Method 2 – The Bus

Imagine that you are driving along the Road of Life as the driver of your own bus. Like any normal bus journey, you stop along the way to collect passengers and let them off. It’s a fairly busy bus with people of all ages, shapes and sizes getting on and off.

Racing Thoughts Technique – The Bus

In your mind, take each thought or feeling in turn and make it into real passengers on your bus. Use both current and past memories, body states, memories or even fantasies. Of course, some people on the bus will be positive and friendly, whilst others will be annoying or obnoxious. Others may simply be repetitive.    

Some of these passengers (thoughts) are really quite positive: “My children are lovely….”  But a whole lot of them all together?  Perhaps not as much. And then you have the negative ones: bullying, blaming, shaming – “Don’t do it, you’ll show yourself up”, “Everyone knows, you’re really just a looser,” “Why bother?” “You’ll never succeed anyway, why start?”. These troublesome passengers are trying to make themselves heard, telling you how to drive, “Turn left, pull over there, speed up, slow down.”

So, driver, what do you do?  You could try to ignore, disagree, or tell them to be quiet. You can even try to be logical and reason with them.  However, by now you are not even driving the bus, any more, all you’re doing is trying to deal with your difficult passengers – and because there are some really troublesome ones, or lots of them, or both, they are going to take a lot of your attention. They even try to convince you that, if you listen to them, and obey them, do what they say, well maybe they might give you a bit of peace.

Overthinking: The Solution?

You are the driver and the passengers can’t make you do anything you don’t want. Are you going to let them take control?  Its surely better to simply keep driving the bus, making the stops you choose, moving towards the destination you want.

This technique helps with rumination and being stuck in feelings as it uses the fact that we see other people as different and separate from us. We can use this to help with gaining both acceptance of difficult feelings and separation from our thoughts and feelings. “We are not our thoughts”.  We act (drive the bus) despite everything.

Ken McLeish is Principal Therapist at Reflexions Counselling and Therapy in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. Reflexions provides counselling and therapy for a wide range of issues. He can be contacted through the website: https://counselling-newcastle.co.uk .

Information contained in this blog is not a substitute for face-to-face therapy. It can only every be one view of a situation and may not be applicable to your situation. You are advised to seek specialist support. The work here is a personal view which may change over time and should not be taken as representative of Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Ken McLeish BA DMS MBA MSc MSc Cert Ed UKCP Reg
Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy
Alderman Fenwicks House, NE1 6SQ
0191 5805080
https://counselling-newcastle.co.uk

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Coronavirus Isolation Coping Tips

Coronavirus Isolation Tips

Coronavirus has brought in self-isolating or simply being “locked-down” to our daily lives, challenging our emotional well-being. Simply being in a confined space over long periods of time with our loved ones can be difficult to endure. Here are some coping tips and techniques to help you to deal effectively with the stress, anxiety, and worries that can happen through Covid-19 isolation.

News Desk

Too much news is bad news! The human mind is very poorly adapted to coping with the constant drama and visual stimuli that comes with 24/7, constantly on, “hyped” news stories. So much so, that it can trigger our brain’s threat system and that threat system can remain on, leaving us with strong feeling of anxiety or unease. If you are having difficult sleeping and cannot seem to relax, are you simply plugged in to too much news?

What to Do?

If this sounds like you, simply limit yourself to one news “fix” each day from a source you trust. That will allow you to keep track of enough of what is happening world-wide. Less is often more and this will allow your thread system to reset, and you to avoid feeling drained and exhausted

Regular Routines and Parallel Universes

Like most of us, you probably used to have a pretty regular pattern for the day – getting up roughly at the same time, having a morning routine, and even often the regular commute or school run? We tend to look for and follow patterns much as the earth itself has cycles of day and night. Our current situation can seem almost surreal, like a different but parallel universe in which we can lose our way.   Dysregulation–What at first appears as a great work-at-home opportunity for a late start in the morning can rapidly become a sloth-like, up-hill challenge of motivation.

What to Do?

Set your own routine. Some people find that wearing your work clothes and starting on time helps. For others it is writing down a daily plan which includes breaks and time for exercise and lunch. Find your rhythm and it helps to keep your mood positive.

Compassion and Kindness

Did you perhaps get caught in the feelings of panic buying earlier in the year? We are programmed to pick up each other’s collective feelings and it is so difficult not to get swept along with “the crowd”. At times like these we can become trapped into selfish behaviour, thinking at the expense of others.

What to Do

A great antidote for this is to show compassion or be kind to someone. It could be someone that you know who would benefit from shopping being delivered or even a family member who you could be supportive of by an unexpected call or video chat. Even petting your dog can help you to reconnect.

Mindfulness Matters

We can often be trapped inside our own heads as our thoughts travel like sheep along well-worn pathways of worry. We can tend to live inside our own heads.

What to do?

Try switching from an internal focus of your own thoughts to an external – notice the ticking of the clock in the room, the splash of sunlight through the blinds or even the noise of the rain on the window pane. If you have some flowers in the room or the garden concentrate on their beauty or their scent.  Make a habit of taking time to notice. You can walk the same path a thousand times and always notice something different.

Talking is Good!

If you find that you are struggling, and are feeling low and depressed or anxious – that is normal in these anxious times. However, it doesn’t help to keep these feelings or thoughts trapped inside you.

What to Do?

Find someone to speak to and share your feelings. The best friends to choose are someone who is non-judgemental, a friend or someone in the family is ideal. The Samaritans can be an excellent resource or Childline if you are under 16. Professionals are on hand and you can now access Therapy on-line.

Ken McLeish is Principal Therapist at Reflexions Counselling and Therapy in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. Reflexions provides counselling and therapy for a range of issues including addictions. He can be contacted through the website: https://counselling-newcastle.co.uk .

Information contained in this blog is not a substitute for face-to-face therapy. It can only every be one view of a situation and may not be applicable to your situation. You are advised to seek specialist support if you are feeling overwhelmed. The work here is a personal view which may change over time and should not be taken as representative of Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy.

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Less Stressed & Less Anxious

Two Steps to Feel More In-Control and Less Stressed

Feeling stressed and anxious at times – you’re not alone. Feelings of stress and anxiousness are more common than not in our busy lives.
Stressed Anxiouis
Maintaining that crucial balance between work and life whilst at the same time trying to multitask what seems like an endless stream of jobs, can at times seem rather overpowering, and can lead to overwhelming emotions.

How do I cope? The answer might be simpler and less time consuming than you think:  Whenever these feelings and emotions present themselves try these two simple steps:

  • Two-Step Control
  1. Without changing your regular breathing, count your breaths from 1 up to 10 – 1 being breathing in and 2 being breathing out and so on.
  2. Keeping going, in your mind now concentrate on the sound of counting the numbers themselves. If you begin to notice your thoughts intruding – simply acknowledge them and let them go. Then refocus back on the counting.

Completing these two steps doesn’t need lots of time. You can have a calm and peaceful mind in as little as 1 minute, perhaps even on your way to the next busy part of your day. Alternatively, you can choose to take as much time as you need. That is the best part about this exercise- you are in total control of your time in this part of your day.

This article is first in the series, of less-stress, tips to a better life articles. I hope that you enjoyed it and found it useful.

Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy helps clients to live life fully. We use a range of creative and traditional techniques to help you to sort out key issues in your lives in an efficient and effective manner.

 

Ken McLeish is Principal Therapist at Reflexions Counselling and Therapy in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. Reflexions provides counselling and therapy for a range of issues including addictions. He can be contacted through the website: https://counselling-newcastle.co.uk .

Information contained in this blog is not a substitute for face-to-face therapy. It can only every be one view of a situation and may not be applicable to your situation. You are advised to seek specialist support for treatment for addictions. The work here is a personal view which may change over time and should not be taken as representative of Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Ken McLeish BA DMS MBA MSc MSc Cert Ed UKCP Reg
Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy
Alderman Fenwicks House, NE1 6SQ
0191 5805080
https://counselling-newcastle.co.uk

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Addictions: Rewiring Brian pt3

Left & Right Brain FunctionsAddictions: Coping Strategies – Rewiring Brian Part 3

In Stopping Addictions pt 1, we looked at  addictions research which demonstrated that the brain’s capability to learn is based upon what we “feed” it. This is true for porn addictions as much as sexting or other compulsions. Through feeding it our addictions this leads our brain to learn powerful but unhelpful neural connections. This then leaves you with wiring “faults” and a “Brian” instead of a brain. These neural connections create links between your feelings, thinking and behaviour and it is these patterns that we call addiction and why it is difficult to stop.

Quite simply, to get new habits you need new connections.

Addiction and Relaxation

This brings us to some techniques which you can use to help you to “rewire”. We looked at 3 techniques in part 2 Stopping Addictions pt 2, of this series. The next technique is a combination technique. Firstly, Progressive Muscular Relaxation (PMR) is great to use as, not only does it provide you with a distraction technique  in itself  but it feels great to do and gives you health benefits. PMR is one of the easiest ways to relax and it’s really pretty quick to learn. Even better, when combined with a simple breathing technique and visualisation you get something really very powerful at your service.

PMR

These relaxation exercises have been very widely used and  whilst they might indicate a tight muscle they should not cause you any pain to undertake. If you feel in any pain simply stop. Equally, if you have any concerns about your health see your GP.

It is easiest to start from your feet and work up to your head. Hold each stretch moderately hard for about 13 seconds and then relax, feeling the difference between your state of tension and relaxation. At you feel the relaxation tell yourself in your mind that you are warm and relaxed.

  1. Curl your toes down hold (for 13 secs.) Feel the tension. Keep holding, then relax.
  2. Curl your toes up and hold for 13s. Feel the tension in your shin. Keep holding, then relax.
  3. Tell yourself  in your mind that you are warm and relaxed
  4. Tense your thighs and hold; keep holding,  then relax.
  5. Tense your tummy muscle (abdominals/six pack), hold, keep holding for 13s and then relax.
  6. Tell yourself that you are warm and relaxed.
  7. Make a fist with both hands and feel the tension in your forearms. Hold for 13 and then relax. Feel the relaxation.
  8. Push your shoulders up to your ears and hold for 13, then relax
  9. Tell yourself that you are warm and relaxed.
  10. Push your eyebrows up to the ceiling. Hold and then relax.
  11. Bring your eyebrows together as though you are scowling. Hold and then relax.
  12. Inside your mouth, push your tongue up behind your top set of teeth, hold and then relax. Repeat with front bottom set of teeth.
  13. Clamp your jaw shut and hold and then relax.
  14. Move on to breathing and visualisation.

Visualisation is very powerful – most of the connections you make in your head are the same as if you were doing the actual activity itself.  As part of your distraction techniques to combat addictive behaviour it is important to choose an enjoyable activity to visualise as the visualisation will reinforce that activity almost as much as doing it. For most people visualisation works better if you are relaxed first. This simple breathing exercise helps many people to get “see” their image more clearly by feeling more relaxed. PMR plus breathing is ideal but you may need simply do this breathing technique as it often does the trick.

Relaxation: Breathing Technique 1

  1. Sit comfortably, “grounded”, both feet on the floor.
  2. Place one hand on your belly/tummy and one on your chest.
  3. Now focus on your breathing, breathing just from your belly. If you are doing this well, your hand on your belly will move in and out, whilst the one on your chest will not move.
  4. Concentrate on your breathing, thinking about each breath and feeling your tummy moving in and out.
  5. Then, when you feel more relaxed, visualise/see yourself doing your chosen distraction activity. Make the pictures you see very bright and colourful. If you can, imagine the feeling and sounds of the activity.

Remember, as you practice, your automatic (addictive) patterns of behaviour are weakened and you start to develop positive associations. This takes time and you will sill have addictive cravings/ images or other things for a long time.

Ken McLeish is Principal Therapist at Reflexions Counselling and Therapy in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. Reflexions provides counselling and therapy for a range of issues including addictions. He can be contacted through the website: https://counselling-newcastle.co.uk .

Information contained in this blog is not a substitute for face-to-face therapy. It can only every be one view of a situation and may not be applicable to your situation. You are advised to seek specialist support for treatment for addictions. The work here is a personal view which may change over time and should not be taken as representative of Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy.

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Relationships: Boundaries & Self-Esteem

Relationships-Good Boundaries
Relationships & Boundaries

Developing Better Relationships & Building Esteem

Research has shown us that boundaries are central to the way you feel about yourself in the world. They operate a little like your own personal force field which you use to let people in or keep them out; both emotionally and physically. Creating healthy boundaries helps you to have better relationships, less stress and greater self-confidence.

Do you have effective boundaries in relationships?

• Are you able to say no?
• Can you ask for what you need?
• Are you a compulsive “people pleaser”?
• Do you get upset when others around you are upset?
• Do people often seem to take advantage of you/your “good nature”?

Boundaries are where our needs and feelings stop and where someone else’s begins. Without boundaries you would let someone treat you how they wanted or do whatever they wanted with your possessions. Where your boundaries are weak you might feel that you have no rights to  – for example – say no or do what you want.

If you have been in an abusive relationship or been brought up in a dysfunctional family you may have little experience of what healthy boundaries are. Setting boundaries is one of the most important aspects of looking after yourself, tackling low self-esteem and allowing the “real you” to emerge.
Boundaries which are too rigid literally shut people out. You are very self-sufficient and don’t let anyone get too close to you.
Boundaries which are too loose can be seen where you may put hands inappropriately on strangers or let others touch you inappropriately. You might be sexually promiscuous or be confused between love and sex or get too close too fast. This is where your personal force field is faulty and allows people to come and go as they please and is often linked to a chaotic life full of drama.

Tips for Effective Boundary Setting in Relationships, Marriage and with Partners

  1. Understand that setting a boundary for the first time often results in a feeling of being uncomfortable (you may feel selfish, or guilty or embarrassed) as those around you, initially at least, bump into it and test you out.
  2. Set boundaries respectfully, simply and clearly using few words.
  3. Remain calm
  4. Do not apologise or justify to others the setting of a boundary.You only set the boundary and are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. If others get upset with your boundaries that really is to do with them and not something you need to feel responsible for. Remember that you can’t control how someone else feels. Good friends will accept your boundary needs.
  5. Boundary setting takes time, practice and determination.
  6. Expect to be tested on your boundaries and have a firm plan of action – which may involve help or in extremes the police.
  7. Develop a system of people who will support you and respect you & your boundaries and at the same time move away and reduce contact from those that do not.

Ken McLeish is Principal Therapist at Reflexions Counselling and Therapy in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. Reflexions provides counselling and therapy for a range of issues including addictions. He can be contacted through the website: https://counselling-newcastle.co.uk .

Information contained in this blog is not a substitute for face-to-face therapy. It can only every be one view of a situation and may not be applicable to your situation. You are advised to seek specialist support for treatment for addictions. The work here is a personal view which may change over time and should not be taken as representative of Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Resources

Boundary Issues: Using Boundary Intelligence to Get the Intimacy You Want and the Independence You Need in Life, Love and Work;  Adams, (2005), Wiley.

More resources can be found on Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy Couples page:Couples Counselling Resources