ABC of Recovering from Relationship Fights
Healthy relationships have disagreements or fights. In your relationship, do rows or conflicts make you feel bad – and does that make you want to pull away from your partner? Or do you or your partner then sulk or keep hold of your feelings? If so, you will find this simple 3-step solution helps. It will help because it improves communication and understanding and de-escalates emotions.
Before getting into the 3 steps of relationship recovery, it is important to recognise that whilst disagreements in a relationship are healthy, abuse – whether physical or emotional – is not.
There are 3 stages in recovering from relationship conflict: Acceptance, Behaviour modification and Communication. ABC.
Resolving Couples Arguments Stage 1: Acceptance.
The idea of fairness in a close relationship is “meaningless”. Fairness appears after we stop requiring it.
This first step is almost Zen-like and requires you to be open and accept that it is helpful for others to have a different opinion to you, and that this is normal and healthy within a relationship. A key aspect here is that whilst you can accept this principle, this doesn’t meant that you have to agree!
Obviously, it is how you deal with the “disagreement” that is central. The above principle allows you to fundamentally see your partners contribution as always (!) valuable. This helps as it allows you to see their position objectively, not as an attack on you.
How to Achieve this: Do not try to “set the record straight“.
In your argument with your partner you can often end up stating that what your partner is saying is not correct!
Never start a fight over facts or “What you actually said was …”
We often try to to establish the “facts” or the “truth”. However, this is pretty much a waste of effort and usually makes the situation worse. This is because as we get emotional our capacity to think clearly reduces and we become rather “black and white” in our thinking. This means that frequently both of the people in the argument really do come to believe that they are correct. Also, because we pass everything we hear through our brain’s “filter” we get cognitive distortion. This is a bit like those “old-school” mirrors at a fair ground which made your face distort or those “get a new face” AI aps which change people’s social media pictures – but worse as you really do believe that what you are saying/hearing is real / the truth.
Perhaps you recognise the situation where you believe that you said and heard what you did whilst your partner will be adamant that they said and heard something different? What this means in that neither of you is really equipped to know what exactly happened. When we are upset, our mind works to protect itself, the emotion of the conflict creating distortion.
Another helpful way of working on acceptance is that your recognise that as soon as the words have left your lips, time is passing. Conflict is by definition in the past and, if that is that case you can simply recognise that that the past is gone and cannot be changed. What has gone is always much less important than where we are in the present- The “NOW”. Or even what may come in the future.
Resolving Couples Fights Stage 2: Behaviour Modification
When you decide to change your behaviour you choose to change the conditions of your life. Doing this is the road to happiness.
In a relationship, whether we like it or not, it is not in our power to change our partner. Firstly, they have to want to change, and secondly they can only do this themselves.
Following an argument, you need to accept that there is only one positive outcome that you can hope to achieve from the situation: you can only ever change yourself. So, once you have accepted this to improve your life you must use your power to change your own behaviour – I Change Me!
Resolving Couples Fights Stage 3: Communication
The following instructions provide an effective way to reconnect. It puts together the first two parts of acceptance and behaviour change by using a structured way to communicate safely and respectfully.
Practicing this helps to develop relational maturity. The initial stage is to agree that you are going to talk. Next is how: and you talk about the fight by holding a “Nightmare Unfolding Knowledge Experience” or NUKE meeting with your partner; agreeing when and where you are going to have the discussion. Sitting in a soft seat together or at the kitchen table are good choices.
NUKE Meeting Guidance
- Set the boundaries: Agree to talk in a “safe, neutral place”; home or, if a it is going to be a really difficult conversation, perhaps at a café or public place as this keeps things “civil”.
- Agree not to get angry: and pause the conversation if you do.
- Share the conversation time: Don’t talk if your partner is talking – but see point 3 above.
- Speak only about yourself and your own feelings/behaviour.
- Do something positive at the end of the time – usually 1 hour is the maximum – like a cup of tea or biscuits or a movie.
- If unresolved, agree to speak again – by making another meeting and putting in your diary.
Second, understand the process of “Mirroring” as a tool to communicate better.
Mirroring Guidelines
This could be considered the basic step in creating positives between you as this allows you to feel understood. In essence, you listen to your partner carefully and after they have made a statement you repeat it back to them. This shows them both that you have listened and that you have understood. It is important to repeat it back word-for-word as this avoids misinterpreting them or distorting their meaning (see above). When we use this with couples we teach both as it helps if your partner also understands the process. That said it still helps effective communication if one person is mirroring back (but ignore the “your partner says” guidance below)
The following phrases are very helpful to use.
- You Say:“I heard you say”… or “If I am hearing you right, you said”… and you then repeat back to them what they said – word for word is best
- You Say: (to check understanding): Did I get that?
- Your Partner Says: Your partner responds with either: “YES” or “NO” (only).
- If no, goto 5 below, if yes goto 6
- “No” You Say: “Say again please”.
- Continue process 1to 4 until you get to a “Yes”
- “YES” You Say: “Is there more?
- Repeat the mirroring from the 1st Phrase until the information is all done and the answer to “Is there more?” is “No”
Communicating Healthily and Resolving the Fight
The rules are: Speak ONLY about yourself and Say NOTHING about your partner.
- My contribution to this situation/nightmare was… (partner repeats back word-for-word/”mirrors” – see notes on mirroring in following post)
- What I did to make this situation/nightmare worse was…(then partner mirrors back)
- What I could have done differently was: (then partner mirrors back)
- Next time what I will do differently is: (Partner mirrors back)
- Rinse and Repeat: Swapping over partner speaks, using the same structure, speaking ONLY about themselves.
Note Especially that… No matter what your partner says or how they say it, you need not to respond to what they are saying, simply mirror back You do not justify or defend yourself.
Do not expect your partner to take responsibility for their part. They will only begin to see their part in the the problem after you have fully spoken about your part. Accept that your mission is to only complete the above sentences. That alone will restore positive connection.
Conflict resolution in unhealthy relationships
As mentioned above, conflict in a relationship is normal, but where arguments become personal attacks, or are ways to lower the other’s self-esteem, this is often evidence of a relationship going sour. Where you start to be scared to express yourself in a relationship, you may be experiencing abuse. Learn more about identifying the signs of abuse.
Ken McLeish is Principal Therapist at Reflexions Counselling and Therapy in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. Reflexions provides counselling and therapy for a range of issues including addictions. He can be contacted through the website: https://counselling-newcastle.co.uk .
Information contained in this blog is not a substitute for face-to-face therapy. It can only every be one view of a situation and may not be applicable to your situation. You are advised to seek specialist support for treatment for addictions. The work here is a personal view which may change over time and should not be taken as representative of Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy.
Resources
Private Lies:Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy; Pittman, F.; (1990), Norton.
This is a classic book on infidelity. Very useful.
Counseling Today has some interesting articles about relationships. Some classics there by Frank Pittman
More resources can be found on Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy Couples page:Couples Counselling Resources
