Karpman’s Drama Triangle is great model for understanding your relationship difficulties and disputes. And, rather like its namesake in Bermuda, when you enter into a fight with your partner, reality becomes distorted. The basic idea is that, rather like actors in a movie, when in a relationship, we take on stylised roles and follow a repeating pattern. Often you can almost see the screen writer’s script as we act out our fight with our partner. In practice, this is really frustrating as we seem always to end up in the same position with a bad feeling.
Karpman’s Drama Triangle Model of Relationship Difficulties
Helpfully, though, our behaviour can be easily understood using the model below. When we have understood the pattern of the “actors” in our relationship we can start to understand our script and it is much easier to sidestep the game that occurs in the triangle.
The principle is that we take on certain roles within the relationship which can cause dysfunction when we act them out. The triangle represents an imbalance of power with more power at the top. The roles are dynamic and shift around the triangle.
Roles
In our relationship dispute, the Rescuer offers to help the Victim with something. Often, the role of the Victim is taken by someone who feels overwhelmed.
In relationships, you often seen couples who have ‘made a deal’ when they first got together. For example, the Rescuer takes on the role of being the big, strong and good provider (the “Knight in Shining Armour”), whereas the Victim is helpless and overwhelmed – the classic “Damsel in Distress”. The Rescuer feels needed, important and in charge whilst the Victim has someone to take care of them.
This dynamic works well until one of two things happens causing relationship issues:
- The Rescuer becomes tired of doing it all. He/She feels like they carry the weight of the relationship on their shoulders and feel that they are being taken for granted. The Rescuer then becoming angry and resentful towards the Victim and moves round the triangle to the Persecutor position and acts in a mean way to their partner. An example of this behaviour would be unexpectedly becoming angry about something minor like not washing the dishes, or gambling away a large amount of money. In their mind they deserve it for putting up with the Victim. The underlying message here, is that “It isn’t fair!”
- The Victim gets tired of being the victim. He/She feels as though they have no say in the relationship because the other person is “calling the shots”. The underlying message here is that “I feel controlled”. This frustrates them, leading them to take on the role of the Persecutor (the Meany”) and, just like the Rescuer, above, they become angry about minor things and “act out”/lash out. This then leads to the Rescuer feeling sorry for themselves – taking on the role as the Victim. The Persecutor then begins to regret his/her words and actions, moving to the Rescuer position. Ultimately, just like with the first example, they go back to their original positions.
Although a simple example this serves to illustrate how we create relationship issues through our unconscious acting out of our chosen roles. In practice, we can be in Rescuer, Victim or Persecutor in a shifting pattern but we are usually more comfortable in one role than another. An example at work is where someone in a group will always tend to play the “poor old, put upon Victim” role. Which part we play is determined by a number of factors including personality, upbringing and coping mechanisms.
Adapted from: The Relationship Triangle, It’s about being an adult, Published on June 21, 2011 by Robert Taibbi, L.C.S.W. in Fixing Families
More Reading
“The Drama Triangle: Understanding the Patterns of Relating that Make Us Feel Helpless, Hopeless, and Alone” by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier: Helps identify unhealthy relationship patterns and develop healthier communication skills – Offers tools for understanding and breaking free from destructive relationship dynamics, complementing the insights on abuse provided in other resources
