Transform your relationship with research-based couples conflict resolution solutions that drive lasting change. This article provides ten pragmatic therapy-based approaches from relationship experts to address relationship issues, promoting harmony, improved relationship dynamics, and effective conflict resolution.
Understanding & Solving Relationship Strife
Table of Contents
Accepting Difference in our Relationships
Our partner is different from us, which is often the very reason we are drawn to them. Yet, these differences can lead to conflicts and disagreements in the relationship. This article is very practically based, with examples of 10 techniques which we use day-to-day with clients who are seeking to enjoy their lives more fully with their partners.
Implementing effective couples conflict methods has the benefit of reducing discord, enhancing your relationship dynamics and improving your emotional connection with your partner.
In healthy conflict resolution there are two central positions: firstly that you can’t agree with your partner all the time about everything—it’s simply impossible! Secondly, when you accept that it is normal not to agree, you will benefit greatly when you allow yourself the bonus of letting go of the small issues! Not that the smaller issues aren’t irritating, but quite simply that you need to keep your energy for solving the big issues.
In this case to resolve conflict, one solution is acceptance and promoting a healthy relationship through not trying to change your partner. Instead you actively focus upon the ways that your differences can be positive for your relationship. This leads directly to one of the main conflict resolution strategies -see below.
In our relationships it is more important to be understood for our differences, than to be “right”.
1. Reframe – Give your partner the benefit of the doubt
When you’re feeling disappointed, hurt, or angry with your partner, pause. Maybe your partner is tired, hungry, stressed, or preoccupied—or perhaps they don’t fully see the impact of their actions. Think and actively look for an alternative, benevolent explanation that allows you to reframe the situation and treat your partner with love and respect.
Example: Sarah is upset because her husband, James, didn’t respond to her texts all day. Instead of assuming he is ignoring her, she considers that he might be swamped with work. When James comes home exhausted, she asks how his day was instead of accusing him, leading to a calm conversation instead of a fight.
2. Avoid Emotional Withdrawal – Beware the chilling wind of distance
According to Paul Schrodt, Professor of Communication Studies, who reviewed 74 relationship studies involving more than 14,000 participants, the silent treatment is ‘tremendously’ damaging to a relationship. His analysis revealed that it decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and reduces the capacity to communicate in a healthy and meaningful way (Schrodt, n.d.). Similarly, avoid icy behaviours like storming out of the room, showing disinterest in your partner’s emotions, pouting, or brushing off their concerns. Instead, strive for open and warm communication, nurturing a supportive and caring environment.
Example: After an argument about finances, Lisa gives Tom the silent treatment for hours. Tom, feeling hurt and distant, decides to gently tell Lisa that he wants to work through things together. They agree to take a break when emotions run high but promise to talk things through later instead of withdrawing.
3. Model Success – Learn from Successful Relationships
Dr. Gottman’s research on married couples found stereotypes between the sexes and that wives can improve the relationship by using a “soft start-up”: talking about how you feel and asking for your partner’s input, instead of criticizing, blaming, or getting angry. The research found that husbands, on the other hand, contribute to better conflict resolution when they accept their wife’s influence, taking her opinions, ideas, and plans into consideration and working towards joint solutions. Whilst seeming perhaps dated, in practice in the therapy room this has proved and remains a helpful tool for couples.
Example: Emma and Jake often argue about household chores. Inspired by relationship advice, Emma starts using a “soft start-up,” saying, “I feel overwhelmed with all the housework. Can we come up with a plan together?” Instead of feeling attacked, Jake listens and suggests splitting tasks more fairly.
Prioritising effective couples conflict resolution strategies can lead to deeper emotional connections and a more fulfilling partnership.
4. Repeat Easy Skills – Practice Easy Problem Solving
Practice problem-solving skills when minor issues arise. Moments with little bits of tension are perfect opportunities to work on your skills and experience success. Discuss each other’s concerns and look for solutions. The more you do this, the more the overall tone of your relationship changes. Problems become a chance to come closer together and show each other how much you care, instead of danger zones full of unexploded irritation and hurt feelings.
That said, research indicates that where there is a really difficult situation to deal with, it is OK not to be accepting. “Don’t accept the unacceptable”
Example: When choosing a movie, Alex and Sam often bicker. Instead of arguing, they practice problem-solving by taking turns picking the movie each night. This small solution builds their teamwork and helps them navigate bigger disagreements more effectively.
5. Learn Patience – Adopt kindness to self
Learning problem-solving skills takes time. Rewriting what can often be dysfunctional lessons about conflict resolution from our childhood whilst practicing new ways of communicating whilst simultaneously being in a highly emotional situations is a significant undertaking. Practice positive reinforcement and give yourself and your spouse credit for even the smallest steps forward, as each improvement propels you towards the next.
Example: Mark grew up in a household where shouting was the norm, so he struggles to stay calm during conflicts. When he raises his voice, he catches himself, apologizes, and reminds himself that changing old habits takes time. His partner, Mia, acknowledges his efforts, making it easier for both of them to improve.
6. Be Fair and Share – Share the talk-time
One of the most pressing problems couples identify is how to communicate while resolving their disagreements (McNulty & Overall)
Ensure that each of you has an equal opportunity to discuss concerns and propose solutions. Creating a sense of equality and shared power is important. If you tend to dominate conversations, speak a little less and listen longer. Encourage your partner to express themselves more. If you feel you’re not being heard, gently hold your ground if your partner interrupts or tries to rush the discussion.
Example: During a discussion about moving to a new city, Jordan keeps interrupting his partner, Rachel. She gently reminds him that she also needs time to express her thoughts. Jordan makes a conscious effort to listen, leading to a more balanced and productive conversation.
7. Use Time-Outs : take emotional breaks early & often
As soon as one of you feels too upset or negative to follow healthy problem-solving steps, it’s time to take a break. Agreeing ahead of time to take a break if one partner becomes overwhelmed is crucial for avoiding a downward spiral. Include in your agreement the understanding that you’ll get back to your discussion within 24 hours. Some couples find that using a signal or sign helps. The Timeout or “T” sign used in sports can help by symbolically indicating the need for a break.
At that point, pause the discussion immediately, go to separate rooms or outdoors, and calm down. Engage in routine activities like taking a walk, reading a book, or cooking a meal. Try to avoid ruminating about the conversation or having negative thoughts about your spouse. Before resuming your discussion, it can help to engage in an everyday activity together to re-establish a close, calm connection (Heitler, 1997).
Example: During a heated discussion about their in-laws, Dan feels himself getting too angry to communicate effectively. He makes the “T” sign and says, “I need 20 minutes to cool down.” After a short walk, he returns calmer, and they have a constructive conversation instead of a shouting match.
8. Emotionally Validate – Acknowldege your partner’s feelings
Emotional validation is when other people acknowledge our feelings. Validation doesn’t mean you have to agree with their feelings, but rather that you acknowledge how they feel, can accept this, and can be supportive of them. Everyone needs to have their feelings acknowledged and validated. When you and your partner have an argument or disagreement, listen without judgment and try to understand their perspective.
Example: Lily expresses frustration about feeling unappreciated at work. Instead of dismissing her concerns, her partner, Ben, says, “That sounds really tough. I can see why you’re upset.” Lily feels heard and supported, which strengthens their bond.
9. Actively Listen – Learn to hear
“Seek first to understand then to be understood” Covey
The central issues in many types of conflict is communication. You can quickly improve your communication by listening not just to respond, but to understand. Many disagreements occur because each person doesn’t fully grasp the other’s perspective. By listening well, admitting when you’re wrong, and honouring how your partner feels, you can work as a team to jointly solve problems . This can be much more effective than viewing each other as adversaries.
The central issues in couples conflict resolution often stem from communication breakdowns. Listening with the intent to understand can transform conflicts into opportunities for growth.
10. Embrace Relationship Problem-Solving as a Journey
Learning problem-solving skills is a continuous process. It involves rewiring ingrained patterns and developing new ways of communication in emotionally charged situations. Be patient with yourself and your partner, celebrating even the smallest progress. Each step forward brings you closer to building a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.
Example: After years of struggling with communication, Sam and Leo start couples therapy. At first, progress is slow, but they celebrate small victories, like resolving minor disagreements calmly. Over time, they build a stronger, healthier relationship through continuous effort.
Further Reading/Understand More/Next Step
Ready to build your relationship and prevent future conflicts? Reflexions Counselling & Psychotherapy can support you with expert guidance to help you create lasting positive change. Our individually tailored approach will be thoughtfully designed to meet your needs as a couple. Start your journey with Reflexions today!
Schema & Script
This article wouldn’t be complete without a mention of “Schema“. The patterns of behaviour that we exhibit in relationship follow patterns – we repeat patterns within relationship despite the fact that they can often be dysfunctional. A schema can be thought of as a simple plan which guides our behaviour. It is similar to a script for an actor. In relationship we tend to follow the same script with our partners and we get the same outcome.
Heal Yourself
In couples therapy, a fundamental challenge can arise when one or both partners seek to resolve personal issues through the relationship itself. Therapy may not fully address underlying conflicts if an individual is using the relationship as a means to “fix” themselves. True progress requires the awareness that personal healing is an independent process – one that cannot be solely achieved through relationship. Without this self-awareness, individuals may find themselves in a cycle of seeking external validation while neglecting the deeper need for self-connection. Effective conflict resolution within a relationship begins with understanding one’s own emotional triggers and responses, fostering personal growth that ultimately has the potential to strengthen the partnership.
Learn Conflict Resolution Skills
Conflicts, handled well, can strengthen relationships. If handled poorly, they may create power struggles, resentment, disharmony and even hostility. Ineffective conflict resolution can be reduced by learning conflict resolution skills. This can be learnt in therapy or through many of the online resources now available. This link -although somewhat dated – provides a helpful and understandable summary.
These resources cover a range of perspectives and approaches to relationship counselling. Always remember to consult with qualified professionals when seeking advice specific to your situation.
Ken McLeish is Principal Therapist at Reflexions Counselling and Therapy in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. Reflexions provides counselling and therapy for a range of issues including relationship counselling. He can be contacted through the website: https://counselling-newcastle.co.uk .
Information contained in this blog is not a substitute for face-to-face therapy. It can only every be one view of a situation and may not be applicable to your situation. The work here is a personal view which may change over time and should not be taken as representative of Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy.
Ken McLeish Psychotherapist, BA DMS MBA MSc MSc Cert Ed UKCP Reg
Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy
Resources
More resources can be found on Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy Couples page: Couples Counselling Resources
Practical steps to take your relationship forwards in the meantime include getting a couples therapy workbook online or in a bookshop, and working through it together with your partner each week.
