Understanding the Importance of Boundaries
Boundaries act as a personal force field, helping you to manage emotional and physical interactions effectively. Understanding the importance of relationship boundaries, and their impact upon our self-esteem, can greatly enhance your personal and interpersonal growth. In turn, this fosters healthy romantic relationships. Research has shown us that boundaries are central to the way you feel about yourself in the world.
They operate a little like your own personal force field which you manage in order to let people in or keep them out; both emotionally and physically. Creating healthy boundaries helps you to have better relationships, less stress, and greater self-confidence.
Assessing Your Relationship Boundaries
Reflect on the following questions to evaluate your current boundaries:
- Are you able to say no?
- Can you ask for what you need?
- Are you a compulsive “people pleaser” / prioritise others’ needs over your own??
- Do you get upset when others around you are upset?
- Do people often seem to take advantage of you/your “good nature”?
Boundaries are where our needs and feelings stop and where someone else’s begins.
Key Point: Without healthy boundaries you would let someone treat you how they wanted or do whatever they wanted with your possessions. Where your boundaries are weak, you might feel that you have no rights to – for example – to say no or do what you want.
If you have been in an abusive relationship or been brought up in a dysfunctional family you may have little experience of what healthy boundaries are. Establishing boundaries is one of the most important aspects of looking after yourself, tackling low self-esteem and allowing the “real you” to emerge.
Rigid vs. Loose Boundaries
Understanding the spectrum of boundaries can help you find a healthy balance:
- Rigid Boundaries: shut people out. You are very self-sufficient and don’t let anyone get too close to you.
- Loose Boundaries: can be seen where you may put hands inappropriately on strangers or let others touch you inappropriately. You might be sexually promiscuous or be confused between love and sex or get too close too fast. This is where your personal force field is faulty and allows people to come and go as they please and is often linked to a chaotic life full of drama.
7 Tips for Effective Boundary Setting in Romantic Relationships
- Accept uncomfortable feelings: Setting a boundary for the first time often results in a feeling of being uncomfortable (for example, you may feel selfish, or guilty or embarrassed) as those around you, initially at least, “bump into” your boundary and test you out.
- Keep it clear & simple: Set boundaries respectfully, simply and clearly using few words.
- Remain calm: it can often feel slightly stressful to set boundaries so focus on keeping your cool.
- Do not apologise or justify boundary setting: You only set the boundary and are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. If others get upset with your boundaries that really is to do with them and not something you need to feel responsible for. Remember that you can’t control how someone else feels. Good friends will accept your boundary needs.
- Understand that boundary setting takes time: like any new skill setting of boundaries takes both practice and determination.
- Expect to be tested: have a firm plan of action – which may involve help, or where you are in a controlling relationship, in extremes, the police.
- Develop a system of support: “collect” people who will support you and respect you and your boundaries – and move away and reduce contact from those that do not.
Ready to Strengthen Your Relationships?
If you’re noticing patterns of people-pleasing, feeling drained, or struggling to say “no”, counselling can help you reconnect with your values and build healthier boundaries.
If you’re ready to start your journey, feel free to reach out to schedule an appointment or ask any questions you may have. Please get in touch and arrange to talk to one of our Relationship Therapists about Relationship Counselling in Newcastle /online- Phone 01915805080 or email.
For more details and self-help guides see below or refer to our Relationship Therapy main website page. Please note that these references and self-help guides are intended as supplemental resources and should not be seen as replacements for professional diagnosis or treatment. Consulting a mental health professional is recommended for a comprehensive assessment and tailored treatment plan.
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Additional Resources & Self-Help
For further reading on boundaries, self-esteem and romantic relationships:
- Boundary Issues: Using Boundary Intelligence to Get the Intimacy You Want and the Independence You Need in Life, Love and Work by Jane Adams (2005), Wiley.
- Navigating Relationships: The Power of Healthy Boundaries – Psychology Today
- How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships – PositivePsychology.com
- More resources can be found on Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy Couples page: Couples Counselling Resources
Ken McLeish is Principal Therapist at Reflexions Counselling and Therapy in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. Reflexions provides counselling and therapy for a range of issues including relationship. He can be contacted through the website: https://counselling-newcastle.co.uk .
