When unresolved, relationship problems can cause stress and can negatively affect your health and well-being. This article provides you with practical solutions and techniques to solve relationship issues by giving you ways of avoiding and solving relationship disagreements and conflict. We teach and use these techniques in relationship counselling and therapy.
Conflict is a part of all relationships. By conflict, we mean verbal arguments or disagreements. People disagree sometimes, and that isn’t necessarily negative — we all have the right to have a different views to our partner(s). What’s important is effective and healthy communication that allows you to understand each other better and to strengthen your relationship.
Table of Contents
Understanding Disagreements in My Relationship
Relationship conflict is: “whenever the actions of one person interfere with the actions of another.” Peterson (1983)
Conflict is the “big brother” of disagreement, with the volume at max, increasing the felt intensity. For example, “Stonewalling”, where you completely ignore or “blank” your partner. Whilst all relationships experience conflict from time to time, the areas of communication, finances, parenting, and sex can be associated with an increase in dysfunctional conflict behaviors (Meyer & Sledge).
Resolve Relationship Conflict to Improve Health Outcomes
As you learn to resolve relationship disagreements the high stress levels and associated poorer health outcomes such as catching more viruses – and negative physical and mental health – can often simply evaporate!
Research has shown that relationship conflict increases your stress levels and can negatively affect your health (Newson, 2008)
How to Solve Relationship Problems
It is impossible to agree on everything in a relationship and the following 3 techniques help you to reach solutions to your differences:
Relationship Conflict Solution 1: Measure the Problem
Some issues are not worth bothering about but some will wreck your relationship if not sorted. The plan is to ignore the first but fix the second! How do you decide?
In a long-term relationship, think about the issue and measure it against a timeline of 2 years. “Big issues” would still bother you after 2 years but “small issues” will have been forgotten. “Big Issues” will never go away and you need to tackle these in an organised way. The tables below will help you to decide whether the issue is “Big” or “Small”.
Two tests:
Test for Content
Ask yourself whether the issue is a threat:
- To your health
- To your personal safety
- To your financial security
- To a shared vision of your relationship
- To your sense of fairness or whether you feel that it disrespects you.
If none of the above statements apply then it is probably a small issue that is not worth bothering with. For example, differences in such things as how social you are with others, different approaches to starting and finishing projects, or differing sleep schedules.
Test for Fade
Place the issue on a timeline, which, in a long-term relationship, is measured in years. Ask yourself if you would still remember and be bothered about the issue:
- Tomorrow
- Next Week
- In a Month
- In a Year
- In Two Years
If and only if in Two years the issue is still live for you, is it a big issue and will never go away . If you have forgotten the issue by tomorrow or any time up to then it is, by definition, a small issues and not worth bothering with.
Remember: think of your small issues as ones to let go of now, whilst big issues need to be discussed fully at a quiet time.
Relationship Conflict Solution 2: Plan to Stop Before You Start
This solution is about using your thinking. We have a very short window of time to act before conflict escalates. This is because strong emotions make our thinking more black-and-white, as the activation of the amygdala in our brains means that we see issues less clearly. You use the fact that many fights follow a familiar pattern. This allows you to create a prior plan (walk away, talk-after for example) which helps us make better decisions, thereby simply side-stepping the fight. In the moment before escalation, we hit the brakes.
5 Steps to Avoid a Relationship Fight:
Relationship Conflict Solution 3: The 3 Step, Win-Win Waltz Relationship Solution
In the intricate dance of decision-making, compromises often pose challenges, especially when wrestling between what you “should do” and what you may really want to do.
The Win-Win Waltz, is a collaborative “Old School” technique which leads to productive problem-solving and relationship growth (Heitler, 1997). This technique will help you to resolve conflicts at home, navigating differences at work or in social situations. You may find it useful to address internal struggles when torn between personal choices. The steps are simple but you will probably need to refer to the examples below too…
The Three Steps of the Win-Win Waltz:
Example of the Win-Win Waltz in Action:
Alex loves outdoor adventures and is eager to spend the upcoming weekend hiking in the mountains. Taylor prefers a more relaxed weekend, perhaps binge-watching a new series or exploring a local museum. The conflict is palpable — a classic clash between the thrill-seeker and the homebody.
Instead of immediately gravitating toward their preferred activities, Alex and Taylor openly express their underlying concerns. Alex communicates a need for adventure, a desire to connect with nature and unwind from a hectic week. Taylor expresses a need for relaxation and downtime, emphasising the importance of unwinding without the pressure of an active agenda.
In a collaborative effort, the couple “brainstorms” a solution that incorporates elements of both preferences. They decide to spend the morning hiking in a scenic location chosen by Alex. Afterward, they plan to return home, order takeout from a favourite restaurant, and indulge in a cosy evening of binge-watching Taylor’s chosen series. This way, Alex gets the outdoor adventure, and Taylor gets the relaxing evening at home.
Result: The compromise isn’t about sacrificing one person’s desires for the other; instead, it’s a fusion of both preferences. The couple not only enjoys the beauty of nature together but also relishes a laid-back evening, strengthening their connection through shared experiences. 1 + 1 = 3.
Using the Win-Win Waltz: Key Aspects
- Shift from Insistence to Exploration: Rather than rigidly adhering to initial preferences, use them as a starting point to explore into the underlying concerns.
- Recognise the Dance: The key challenge is noticing when to engage in the Win-Win Waltz. Practice identifying moments of potential conflict, where opposing desires pull like forces in opposite directions.
- Flip from Persuasion to Mutual Exploration: Move swiftly from advocating what to do to working together by collaboratively speaking to each other about each person’s underlying concerns. It’s about mutual exploration and listening, not persuasion.
When you embrace the dance of the Win-Win Waltz watch your relationships flourish and your decision-making become a symphony of collaborative harmony…
By applying the win-win waltz, actively listening to each other, and seeking collaborative solutions, you can navigate conflicts with understanding and respect. Remember, effective problem-solving requires empathy, compromise, and a shared commitment to nurturing your relationship.
Resources & Self-Help for Solving Relationship Issues
More resources can be found on Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy Couples page: Couples Couples Counselling Resources
For those seeking additional guidance and resources on couples counselling, consider exploring the following books and websites:
- Heitler, S. M. (1997). The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong and Loving Marriage. New Harbinger Publications.
- Meyer D, Sledge R. The relationship between conflict topics and romantic relationship dynamics. Journal of Family Issues. 2022;43(2):306-323. doi:10.1177/0192513X2199385
- Newsom J, Mahan T, Rook TL, KS, Krause N. Stable negative social exchanges and health. Health Psychology. 2008;27(1)78-86. doi:10.1037/0278-6133.27.1.78
- Peterson, D. R. (1983). Conflict. In H. H. Kelley, E. Berscheid, A. Christensen, J. H. Harvey, T. L. Huston, G. Levinger, E. McClintock, L. A. Peplau, & D. R. Peterson (Eds.), Close relationships (pp. 360–396). New York: Freeman.
- Schrodt, P. (n.d.). The silent treatment: Research findings and relationship implications. [“A Meta-Analytical Review of the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction and its Associations with Individual, Relational, and Communicative Outcomes,” published in Communication Monographs (March, 2014)].
These resources cover a range of perspectives and approaches to relationship counselling. Always remember to consult with qualified professionals when seeking advice specific to your situation.
Ken McLeish is Principal Therapist at Reflexions Counselling and Therapy in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. Reflexions provides counselling and therapy for a range of issues including addictions. He can be contacted through the website: https://counselling-newcastle.co.uk .
Information contained in this blog is not a substitute for face-to-face therapy. It can only every be one view of a situation and may not be applicable to your situation. The work here is a personal view which may change over time and should not be taken as representative of Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy.
Ken McLeish BA DMS MBA MSc MSc Cert Ed UKCP Reg
Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy
