Couples Counselling: When it’s a Bad Idea and Won’t Work
It is not just about the reasons that have brought them in, whether it be infidelity, frustration, or other issues. The central element for all couples seeking therapy is their state of mind. Many couples enter therapy with preconceptions about what should happen, often expecting quick fixes. However, successful therapy often requires understanding that it is a journey of self-discovery and mutual growth, rather than a mere resolution of conflicts.
It is not about the reasons that have brought them in whether that be infidelity, frustration or something else . The central element for all is about a state of mind.
For instance, consider a couple struggling with communication. They may fight over trivial matters, such as household chores. During therapy, they may realise that these conflicts are symptoms of deeper issues, such as feeling undervalued or unheard. By addressing these underlying feelings, they can learn to communicate more effectively, thus transforming their relationship dynamics.
Furthermore, successful couples often engage in activities outside of therapy that reinforce their commitment to one another. This might include regular date nights, participating in shared hobbies, or simply dedicating time to openly discuss their feelings and experiences. Such efforts can strengthen their bond and apply the lessons learned in therapy to everyday life, thereby enhancing the overall effectiveness of the counselling process.
Successful couples have at the start of therapy an attitude that:
- A relationship or marriage is a work in progress.
- A belief that they can change individually
- A preparedness and readiness to make changes.
- Just Going Through the Motions
- Not Being Honest in Therapy
- Not Relating to the Therapist
- Not Prioritising Therapy
- Maintaining a New Relationship whilst in Therapy
- Not Saying or Letting Your Partner do the Talking
- Sense of Humour
If you don’t have that attitude on starting therapy, but have an open mind, it is important for you to get there in the first session. The alternative is that therapy is unlikely to be successful or probably very time consuming and costly.
There are other obvious issues which make it hard for therapy to work its “magic” for your relationship:
Ken McLeish is Principal Therapist at Reflexions Counselling and Therapy in Newcastle upon Tyne, England. Reflexions provides counselling and therapy for a range of issues including couples counselling and marital therapy. He can be contacted through the website: https://counselling-newcastle.co.uk .
Information contained in this blog is not a substitute for face-to-face therapy. It can only ever be one view of a situation and may not be applicable to your situation. The work here is a personal view which may change over time and should not be taken as representative of Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy.
Resources
Moreover, couples who come with a sense of willingness to explore their own roles in the relationship often find more success. They may acknowledge their own mistakes and express a genuine desire to improve, which fosters a collaborative atmosphere in therapy. For example, a partner might recognise that their defensiveness during discussions contributes to escalating conflicts, leading them to work on being more open and receptive during sessions.
In addition, understanding the impact of external stressors on the relationship can be crucial. Financial pressures, job stress, or family obligations can all exert significant strain on a couple. Addressing these external factors in therapy can help partners develop strategies to manage stress collectively, enhancing their emotional connection. For example, a couple might set aside time each week to discuss their finances, reducing anxiety and encouraging teamwork.
More resources can be found on Reflexions Counselling and Psychotherapy Couples page:Couples Counselling Resources
It is also important for couples to explore their own personal growth during the counselling process. Engaging in self-reflection and recognising personal triggers can vastly improve communication and empathy within the relationship. For instance, a partner might discover that their reactions stem from past experiences, allowing them to approach conflicts with greater understanding and patience.
Lastly, it’s essential to remember that therapy is not a one-size-fits-all solution. Each couple is unique, and the factors contributing to their struggles can vary widely. Therefore, adapting therapeutic approaches to cater to the individual needs and dynamics of the couple can lead to more fruitful outcomes. Couples should feel empowered to discuss their specific challenges with their therapist, ensuring the therapy remains relevant and effective for their situation.
